Friday, May 30, 2008

You know I never believed it before...

...but now I do. Of course it only took me 15 years, but better late than never, right?
What am I talking about you ask? Mutual love. Okay okay, I know you are scratching your head right now, because if you know me you know I've been with my dear sweet hubby for almost 15 years, married for almost 11 of those. So why did it take me so dang long, well to be honest I have absolutely no clue, but it was something my dear sweet hubby said today that made me truly believe that he loves me just as much as I love him.
You see we were in our garage finding our garage floor for the first time since we moved in 4 1/2 years ago. While cleaning we found an old gym membership card of dear sweet hubby's and I noticed it expired 2/28/96, a whopping 12 years ago. I told him that it was hard to believe that while 1996 seems so dang long ago, it seemed harder to believe we had been together almost 15 years. He said it wasn't hard to believe that we had been together for 15 years, but it was hard to believe that the time had flown so fast. And something about that comment just struck me as so full of love. I mean it's not the most romantic comment ever, but the way he said, the tone of his voice and his honest-to-goodness disbelief that time had flown so fast, made me feel like he really wished that time would have gone a bit slower so he could have enjoyed it more. It was one of those moments that will stick with me.
I just hope he remembers how much he loves me and how much he enjoys spending time with me when he gets home and realizes I rearranged the bedroom.......again!

Friday, May 23, 2008

It's amazing to me...

....how you can such affection for someone you've never met. In my last post I was pretty down and needed to just vent a little. I didn't do it to get sympathy, just as a way to release the stress and angst before it built up too much. But two lovely ladies read my blog and left really touching messages for me. It made me smile so much to know that people whom I've never met could care so much for me. That for me restores my faith in the human race. To know in all the turmoil and unrest in the world that there are those out there who care enough to give their love and caring so freely is truly touching.
Some people might think it's a little odd to spend as much time as I do on the message board where I "met" these two lovely ladies, but to me it's not. Because if you knew this board and the ladies who frequent it, like I do, you'd know it's a place for some very special people to come and share not only their love for decorating, but also their love for life and sometimes their dislike for some things in life.
I'll confess here that I'm not a religious person, maybe it's because I grew up with an atheist for a father, or maybe it's because I'm a "I have to see it to believe it" kind of gal, but I've never been able to truly invest myself into a religion. But I do hold myself to standards that are taught in the Bible, such as "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you". With that said, I kind of liken this message board to a church of sorts. We all converge on it to share our joys and pains and we give each other the help, support and love that is needed. Then when we've gotten the support we need we go away with a sense of being love and understood. It's almost like confessional, we bare our souls and find that we aren't that bad after all.
So back to my amazement of how two people could care about someone they don't know. Well I guess in a way they do know me, goodness knows I've made my share of confessions on the board and it probably helps that not only am I a member of this board, but so is my mother, sister, mother-in-law and sister-in-law. So you know lots of stories are being shared.
And who knows, maybe these ladies are amazed at how I could care for them, and I do!!! But when people can show you their vulnerable side and that they are just as human as you are, it's easy to show them the love and affection they need just as much as you do.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Why is it "it should be" but it's not????

You know I'm often told, when times are tough, that I should just count be counting my blessings instead of focusing on what I don't have. But while it should be easy to do that, I mean I have a fantastic husband, three of THE most beautiful children in the world, a house to keep my family safe and warm, and a dog who keeps me company when everyone else is asleep, it seems like it isn't.

Lately, even though I'm on medication for depression and anxiety, I have been a huge funk that seems to ebb and flow more than the tides of the ocean. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the fact that a friend closed on a new house that is twice as big as her current one and that my sister spent her birthday in Disneyland recently, but I am. And all I can think of is "I wish I was moving into a bigger house" and "I want to spend my birthday at Disneyland". I feel totally shallow for feeling this way. I should be glad that I have the house I do and that while money is so tight that something as mundane as getting my hair cut can be a financial burden, we still somehow manage to get by.

And while I know that my children probably won't remember the fact that we don't have a lot of money right now, I can't help but feel a pang of hurt when one of my kids makes note that their friend has 5 of the new "IT" toy, Webkinz, while she only has one. My oldest two can understand that we don't have as much money as some of their friends, but what they can't understand is why. I mean they still think they can give me two dollars and have it be able to buy a weeks worth of food. I try to not let it get to me where they can see it, as I don't want them to feel less equal than others because of our situation, but sometimes it slips and they see I'm upset about something. I always make sure they realize I'm not mad at them, as I never EVER want them to think they are the cause for the way things are.

So with all this said, has writing this all down helped alleviate some of the funk, well to be honest, not really. I'm still gonna go to bed tonight and dream that we've won some money in the lottery and are able to build our dream home, but some of the weight I feel by carrying this around in me will be lifted and while I'll still be in a funk...I'll be a in a lighter weight funk....;)

Friday, May 2, 2008

Happy Birthday to the World's Best Sister

I know you are having fun in Disneyland right now, but I wanted to tell the world, or at least those who read my blog, to know that I think you are the world's best sister and I wish you the best birthday ever!!!!
P.S. Did you give Mickey and Minnie hugs for me????

Obsess much???

Have you ever gotten your mind set on one thing and just couldn't focus on anything else until that one thing was taken care of??? Well, that's kind of what I'm going through right now. You see one day I was perusing Craig's List, a very bad pass time, and found a free piano on there. Now granted I had no real desire to have a piano before this but there was a picture and it was an antique upright piano and I fell in L-O-V-E with it. So I emailed them, as there was no number to call, but they never contacted me back and the listing disappeared, so apparently someone else got it. :(
Did I accept this fate and move on with my life???? Ummm, no. No instead I became obsessed with finding another free piano on there. I had decided that an antique upright piano was just what my living room needed. And granted I still feel this way, I think it would just make the room feel like something other than storage for more formal furniture. My mother calls formal living rooms "useless rooms" and to be perfectly honest, she's right. I mean really, who ever uses their formal living room on a daily basis for something other than storing their nice "company" furniture??? Not me, that's for sure.
For a while we used the living room as a play room, so the kids could play downstairs while my dear sweet hubby slept in the afternoons when he was starting work at midnight. But that was not a great plan as that meant that all their toys and mess could be seen from the front door whenever you answered it. So we swapped the loft and living room back to the way they were. But this meant that the living room went back to being the "useless room" again. It's only real purpose was to hold the Christmas tree, otherwise it just sat there unused.
I know what you are probably thinking, well okay at least I know what my mom and my dear sweet hubby are thinking "What makes you think having an antique upright piano in there is going to make the room more used?" Well, at first the piano will have a novelty to it so the kids will want to play on it and Peaches has actually shown interest in learning how to play a piano, so it could get used that way. And while it probably won't be used as much as say our family room or kitchen, it will get used more than it gets used at the moment. 'Cause right now it just collects dust and the kids' stuff.
So maybe, just maybe, with a piano in there it will be more than just a storage room and an actual area that living takes place.......