You know I'm often told, when times are tough, that I should just count be counting my blessings instead of focusing on what I don't have. But while it should be easy to do that, I mean I have a fantastic husband, three of THE most beautiful children in the world, a house to keep my family safe and warm, and a dog who keeps me company when everyone else is asleep, it seems like it isn't.
Lately, even though I'm on medication for depression and anxiety, I have been a huge funk that seems to ebb and flow more than the tides of the ocean. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the fact that a friend closed on a new house that is twice as big as her current one and that my sister spent her birthday in Disneyland recently, but I am. And all I can think of is "I wish I was moving into a bigger house" and "I want to spend my birthday at Disneyland". I feel totally shallow for feeling this way. I should be glad that I have the house I do and that while money is so tight that something as mundane as getting my hair cut can be a financial burden, we still somehow manage to get by.
And while I know that my children probably won't remember the fact that we don't have a lot of money right now, I can't help but feel a pang of hurt when one of my kids makes note that their friend has 5 of the new "IT" toy, Webkinz, while she only has one. My oldest two can understand that we don't have as much money as some of their friends, but what they can't understand is why. I mean they still think they can give me two dollars and have it be able to buy a weeks worth of food. I try to not let it get to me where they can see it, as I don't want them to feel less equal than others because of our situation, but sometimes it slips and they see I'm upset about something. I always make sure they realize I'm not mad at them, as I never EVER want them to think they are the cause for the way things are.
So with all this said, has writing this all down helped alleviate some of the funk, well to be honest, not really. I'm still gonna go to bed tonight and dream that we've won some money in the lottery and are able to build our dream home, but some of the weight I feel by carrying this around in me will be lifted and while I'll still be in a funk...I'll be a in a lighter weight funk....;)