Monday, April 20, 2009

I wish I could believe... God that is.

I have several friends who are religious and I sometimes wish I had their ability to believe and have that faith that there is a God, but no matter how hard I may try, I just can't.

I don't know if it's because I grew up with an atheist for a father or not, but I just don't have it in me to believe. I seem to be a more "I'll believe when I see it" kind of gal. And since no one can seem to provide concrete scientific proof that God exists, I just can't go there.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was able to believe and join that community that goes to church each weekend. Because it can feel pretty isolating when you don't talk about having to drag the kids to church, or fighting with them to get dressed nice enough to go.

But in the end I don't think it makes me a bad person because I can't believe....does it? I mean I'm a responsible citizen who tries to do right by her fellow man and takes the best care she can of her family. I don't steal, do drugs or other crimes. I just can't believe in something I can't have proof of.

But this doesn't mean I can't do my version of praying for those I know in need. For instance a friend of mine has a son who is sick and in the PICU right now, and she's expressed gratitude for all the prayers they are getting. Now I know most people consider praying to be done solely to God, but my version is a very strong hope that things improve. Again I don't think this is bad of me to do, praying without actually praying to God, at least I hope it isn't.

You may be wondering if because I can't believe in God if it makes me an atheist, well I don't think so. I prefer to think of myself as agnostic, I don't believe in God but that doesn't mean you can't. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you are wrong for believing, if you do, and I do hope that you won't tell me I'm wrong for not believing.

Just think how much better of a world we could be living in if everyone took the "Live and let live" ideal to heart.....


dede said...

wow - that is deep!

As one of your "religious friends" I hope you don't mind if I share my opinion...I KNOW God is there! I can feel it in my heart and see it around me - He strengthens and comforts me - He loves me (and you:)!

I also KNOW that you are a terrific person and I hope you never feel otherwise!

Bee said...

My heart and my mind are full right now and honestly, I'm struggling for the right thing to say. Until I'm sure of what that is, I'm just going to say this: I agree with Dede. You are a terrific person and I love you.

Chris said...

Here's another of your friends to say: I believe that your wish to be able to believe will be fulfilled someday...AND I am going to pray for that!

In the meantime, you are loved, just as you are, which is a very special person.


Anonymous said...

Julie, there is so much that my heart wants to say right now, but it's hard to put it into written words. Nearly everyone that I have known (religious or not) has questioned at least at one point or another (me included!) whether there really is a God, His existence, etc. I can just share from my own experience... For me, it's like the wind. You can't see the wind. Just because it is invisible, doesn't mean that it isn't there. It is there, and I know it's there because I can see and feel the effects of it all around me. I can feel it on my skin, see it blow the leaves in my trees, see it gently play with my boys' hair while they play outside.

In the same way, I can't see God. I've never seen Him face to face, but I have felt and experienced His amazing-always-and-forever Love and change in my own life. I could never have made it through these last few months (and continue to survive this ordeal) without my relationship with Him.

I didn't mean to get on a soapbox at all, but know that I love you! And I am so grateful that you are my friend! *hugs*